Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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