For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
