How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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