At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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