I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize