all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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