I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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