So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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