apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
