I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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