Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
