Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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