I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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