Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize