my phone needs a breathalizer
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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