we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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