I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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