I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You're like the curious george of whores
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
