also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
