Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
