If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
