Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
