she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dicks are not precious.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
