I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
