I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
