sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
