then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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