You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
