My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
