This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
