Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
