why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
