guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
