I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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