Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
