break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm both gender and math confused
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
