She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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