and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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