Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
