my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
