So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
