I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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