i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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