My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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