Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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