Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
