The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
