it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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