She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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