R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
porn star boner night. come get it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
