i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
