When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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