thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
