Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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