i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
