nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
