He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
