You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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