I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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