It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
