Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize